Feedback for Three Stories

Frozen in Time - Lainey 

How does this story work?

This story builds suspense with multiple methods. For example, after a moment with the family, the narrator says, “If I could have one wish… it would be for this to never end. … Seems like today will be a slow day, like all our days” (2).  He says this so offhandedly. It’s an innocent desire, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it compared to the big reveal in the end. What the reader can observe is that there’s a repetition of good, slow days, which is a little unusual. Repeating this is a great way of making the scene seem wrongly harmless without hinting too much to the horrific ending later. Another example where suspense is built is in the mother’s characterization. After cleaning up her son’s mess, “She says nothing… before disappearing into the bedroom” (3). Here, her silence is also questionable, which adds to the family’s odd situation. 

Recommendations

There are several events throughout the story that would’ve been more understandable if they were connected more clearly. For example, the 2:27 AM time stamp and five-minute detail is described in great detail, but it loses its significance. For something that is intentionally established at the beginning of the story, referencing it again later would have given it more impact. 

Tremors - Noah

How does this story work?

In “Tremors”, the environment is built well enough for the characters, especially David, for them to develop understandable behaviors. Details throughout the story such as David's hyper-fixation with finding a sword is humorous, which counters the jeopardy around them. These details are like a response to their constant threat of the Crumbles, which reveals their personality. In pressing situations, it’s often true that our instincts take over. Thus, in this story, it’s interesting to witness how David has chosen to live in the apocalypse, and equally heartwarming when his values shift after his accident at the end of the story.

Recommendations:

One recommendation I have is to refine the plot arc in the middle of the story. When I reached the end, I thought that it came to a resolution rather quickly, going from intense combat with multiple weapons to a quieter scene where David changes, and begins to value life more after an injury. Action scenes and lots of detail are admirably dense, but they might work better in a novella rather than a short story. Making this change is not drastically necessary (and likely a far-fetched critique), but I think condensing certain events a bit would help narrow down what’s important in this particular story. 

Vacation- Will

How does this story work?

The sequence of events in this “Vacation” plays out quite evenly despite its brevity, making it easy to follow. Additionally, there is a strong contrast between absolute dejection and comical expression. If the story’s intention was for humor, short lines like “John is now all John has” (1) and “John is devastated” (1) are effective. If the story’s intention was for sorrow, John’s inevitable death that parallels his family’s is morally catastrophic. John being both so instantaneously careless about his family’s death but destroyed by his grief is like being injected with emotions, and the story would be different without it.

Recommendations: 

I think a good way to form an attachment with readers would be to describe more of John and his family’s relationship. For example, at the end of the story, John realizes that his wife “didn’t want to fly separately”. It’s observed before the flight that his wife seems disappointed that he tries to book different flights, but elaborating more on their conflict would weigh on his decisions later in the story.